23-01-2006

2006 Frozen Bladder Rally Report

Well, where do you start trying to sum up such an excellent weekend? After what had been quite an enjoyable Friday for me for a change. (Day off, so I had a lie in till 8. Then bundled the monsters of to the grandparents, Yaaa-fooookin-hoo, freedom!)  Uncover, then load up the bosses’ new toy, and then scare the fuck out of the neighbours & passers by with the familiar strains of “staaaart yer feckin’big ugly black piggin’shitheap!  On the 3rd attempt it fired up, then things went down the shit-pan in the following order,
 1. Reverse off drive (not a problem in itself)
 2. Go to pull forward (ditto)
 3. Snap throttle cable (Fuck)
 4. Investigate possibility of quick repair (not a chance in hell!)
 5. Cut thumb on sharp edge of bracket (ouchyafuggincuntinbastardintwattinwhore!) 
 6. Just about burst knackers, pushing the bastard thing back up the drive (pants)
 7. Unload the cuntin’ thing again & re-wrap! (Big pants!)
 8. Get the bikes out & re-pack everything to suit. (Bunch of arse!)
 9. Bundle as much as possible onto the flying foo-yung! (har-har carry your own crap   for a change ya bitch!)
10. Set off, pissing myself laughing, behind the flying Scotswoman, who was doing her damnedest not to wheelie all the way there under the weight of the 4tons of “girlie crap” in the luggage that she deems “necessary”

Needless to say, by the time we got on site I was ready for a pint or 6! This was facilitated by the fact that the tent was already up (I had been over earlier to deliver stuff to the site in the van & had put the tent up then.) All I had to do was park up, unload & stomp off to the bar, leaving the domestic arrangements to the bride (bless).
I have to say that, from my point of view, the whole weekend seemed to be reasonably hassle free. When asked, club members went and did various tasks without a grumble, everyone seemed keen to muck in, (so I left the cattle prod I had brought along for El Prez in the tent!) The highlight of the weekend, for me anyway, was watching our esteemed Vice-Chairman’s face, every time a subtle hint was dropped about sorting out replacements for the gate security or suchlike. All he kept saying was “why me, pard? I aint into all this responsibility crap!”  To which I mentioned that maybe He would like to do the security again, like last year? (We all remember how well that went, don’t we?) Quick as a fookin’ flash he was onto it like a man possessed, shouting “I aint goin’ near the door all fackin’ weekend” His mood improved noticeably when Dinky-Doo returned to the Rally unannounced. He was under the impression that she was just dropping him off then going home to look after the dog, but after a little bit of conniving with the other “Twisted Sister”  she persuaded Nicky & Ridg to “Doggie sit” for her, shot back, & pitched the tent without him knowing a thing about it!
Another outstanding event from the Friday afternoon Was Wiggy, trying valiantly to figure out how the feck to assemble his latest “retail therapy” purchase, it was a typical “I’ll av may wun o them” jobs that, (& I quote him directly)…….

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“Thray undrid quid, this woz, you can put im up in a gale on a mountain you know!”
 But, alas, it appeared that it was beyond the capabilities of a stone cold sober yam-yam pitching the fuckin thing next to a bowling green in calm weather though, eh bud! (It still didn’t look right on the Sunday morning!)  I was quietly pissing myself laughing whilst trying to help him when I was called away by Geoggers to go on a mercy mission.
Some poor bugger had broken down on the way to the rally. He was stuck in the layby near the A42 junction. So, off we went to try & help him out. Spider (bless ‘im) had stopped & picked up this blokes poor frozen missus & brought her to site along with the majority of their luggage but he was stranded with his broken down bike.
In the end, the only option was for us to tow the poor bugger all the way to site behind Di’s car on the end of a dubious looking bit of rope! We caused the biggest motherfuckin’ tailback in the history of the A444. There we were bimbling along at 15 M.P.H. in second gear, in the pitch black, towing this poor hapless chap on a sportsbike who, to be truthful, didn’t know us from Adam, didn’t know where the feck he was going & was entrusting a couple of Jugsters to act responsibly! (I tell you, braver man than me matey! I get scared asking Sue for money, let alone the wife!)
Di’s clutch finally started to cook on the road into the village so I jumped out & helped him push it the rest of the way to site whilst Geoggers went off to explain the impending death of his beloved’s car. Oops! You have mentioned it to her haven’t you mate?

The rest of the Friday nights entertainment went down a storm, the Hoosemates tore the place to bits, absolutely top bollocks! I have never seen that dance floor soo full of happy jigging drunks. The highlight of the evening was Steely & Shazzas drunken gymnastics display, in which Sharon was an unwilling participant! His nibs, through a drunken haze, decided to “help” her off the stage! Oooh you should have seen the bruises, they were more colourful than her general language! (Warning, you are still on her shitlist pard!)
The bonfire was a raging success. (Yet again, oops!  Possibly the wrong choice of metaphor, eh Nick, that’ll teach you to pitch downwind from a pyromaniacs wet dream wont it?)

Saturday morning dawned, warm(ish) & dry, so we, as Jugsters, did what we normally do on a Saturday morning on a rally weekend, we trooped off to the nearest pub in search of food & beer, £5.00 for a pint & a full English, Well done that man, the Landlord of the Seal inn. Lets face it, the grub he put on all weekend was much better (& better value) than the crap available off the van on site!
Things went just as well on the Saturday, entertainments wise. Though I felt it was not as lairy as the Friday. Both bands (in my opinion) gave a good performance and got the people up & dancing.
Dinky & Shaz went out & about with the raffle tickets & sold the friggin, lot, £126 quids worth. Nice to see that Steely & I aren’t the only ones they rob blind!
 After chucking out time, another party started round the bonfire, with an impromptu sing-song with guitar accompaniment that went on until about 5 in the morning! Good place to find things though…such as purses, luckily we managed to trace its owner the next morning. It belonged to Donna, (Max, Claude’s missus, the drunken bint!)

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Sunday morning dawned, and our guests started packing up & leaving. There were a lot of over imbibed, but happy faces to be seen as they were heading out. We even had a few enquiries about buying tickets for next year! Then all we had to do was clear up. This turned out to be a very easy task as all we had to do was a little bit of litter picking & then chuck it all on the bonfire. Not a problem you might think, right up until we “load tested” Dumpys pacemaker, when one of the bags exploded! (I had visions of us having to “do an E.R. job” on our illustrious leader with a set of jump leads & a Vauxhall Corsa battery!) Which Maddie (Weasels daughter) had tried on herself, judging by the state of her hair when she finally arose!
With the tidying up completed, we retired to the bar, and so there endeth another successful Jugsters rally.